#5 – Jemini – Cry Baby
This 2003 song, to its credit, has a catchy beat. But unfortunately it has vocals that are comparable to throwing a fitting potato down a flight of stairs, followed by a dying cat. It’s a shame, as the beat shows merit. But even to sit and listen to in order to write this scathing paragraph, it causes pain. Most definitely one of the worst songs to ever leave the British Isles. Why on Earth it was thought that this would be a suitable entry song for an international competition is beyond human comprehension.
#4 – Scooch – Flying The Flag
What do you get when you cross Britpop with a cheesy has-been pop group, and just stop caring? You get this 2007 monstrosity of a song. It’s catchy, sure, but objectively speaking, it is awful. It’s the sort of thing that nightmares are made of. It has to be said though – there is something special about a group that can turn an airline safety briefing into something quite as sexual as Scooch does.
#3 – Daz Sampson – Teenage Life
Never before has a song that opens with such promise crash and burn so quickly. If this were more like the Girls Aloud’s The Promise, it would have done well. But instead, Daz Sampson decided to inflict an awful rap upon Europe. I understand that Britain is normally at odds with the rest of the continent, but this doesn’t half sound like cruel and unusual punishment. It doesn’t help that Daz Sampson raps in such a strange accent either.
#2 – Samantha Janus – A Message to Your Heart
A song about poverty? Oh,
Ronnie Mitchell Samantha Janus, you really spoiled the 1991 Eurovision Contest. This song sounds like the sort of thing that Bob Geldof would release if he took up smoking 40 a day, and had his genes spliced with a bat-dolphin hybrid. It doesn’t help that the backup singers were flat either. It even mentions God. She really did treat the audience that day.
#1 – Josh Dubovie – That Sounds Good To Me
Better suited to a dodgy cabaret, this 2010 flop left the United Kingdom eight places from the bottom – 10 points, compared to the winning Germany’s 246. A shocking defeat – it’s a shame that someone so cute could dive bomb quite so quickly. Dubovie charted in the UK at a peak of Number 179 – the lowest a British entry has ever charted by a massive 65 places. Alas, he’s had a successful career since milking his failure as a representative of our nation.